16 Things I Want To Tell Myself Before 2016 Comes

that I want to tell you, too.

1. Keep chasing your dreams. Slowly. One step at a time.

2. Do what you can with what you have to the best of your ability. “Do everything with so much love that you would never have it any other way.” - Yogi Desai

3. Be less afraid of vulnerability. Open up. Express. Allow yourself to fail, to be hurt, to be rejected. Allow yourself to try.

4. Imagine possibilities.

5. Strive to be the best version of yourself. Discover what you’re good at. Take classes. Watch YouTube videos. Buy textbooks. Practice. 

6. Allow yourself to say no to the unhealthy – be it food, habits, or even relationships.

7. Find time to write. Write, and write often. Years from now, you will thank yourself not only for the memories, but also for the wisdom.

8. Travel. Go to places you’ve never been before. The world is waiting to be seen.

9. Give more.

10. Make time for what you love. Read good books. Make beautiful art. Find beautiful places. Watch the sunrise. Watch the sunset. Look up at the millions of stars shining for you.

11. Step out of your comfort zone. Try something new. Meet new people. Order a dish you’ve never had before. Widen your horizons.

12. Don’t take everything on a personal level. The world doesn’t revolve around you, and the sooner you accept that, the sooner you can let go of the grudges and resentment you hold against the people you think are conspiring against you.

13. Love yourself. Stop basing your worth on how other people see you, and remind yourself that contrary to how they may make you feel, you are enough. Stop beating yourself up for not moving mountains or putting up an orphanage or being the next Malala. You're making the world a better place in your own ways. You're beautiful.

14. Love others. I know that sometimes it can be hard to be loving to yourself and loving to others at the same time, especially when you feel like they’re draining you, but I guess the best thing we can do is to give as much love as we can without forgetting to leave some for ourselves. Love the people around you. Love the people away from you. Fill your heart with so much love that hate will have to fight so hard for a space in it.

15. Keep walking with God. There will be times when it will feel like walking in a tunnel. When nothing will make sense. When you’ll get scared and want to turn around. Keep walking. Keep believing.

16. Never stop seeing the world through grateful eyes. Listen for the music in the rain. See the rainbows in puddles. Find the magic in the mundane. Yes, there will always be darkness in this world, but there will also be light to overcome it.

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, 

no mind has conceived 

what God has prepared for those who love Him." 

                                           - 1 Cor 2:9

Note To Self

"I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be appreciated, cared for and seen. I deserve someone who is genuinely interested in me. Not because of what I can do for them. Not because of who I know or what I have accomplished. I deserved to be loved and seen, simply because I am me. Just pure love. I deserve someone who wants to listen to me. Someone who wants to hear my thoughts, experience my art and make art with me. I know what I deserve when it comes to love and I have no interest settling for mediocre love. I look forward to my love affair. It’s almost here."

- Brittany Josephina

Dreaming With Eyes Wide Open

This happened 5 days ago and I know I should move on, but the thought that Jason Wade has seen my painting still gives me tachycardiaaaaa.

And I'm somewhere in between what is real and just a dream. <3>

Lifehouse In Manila

I don't know where to start, so I'll start with this:

I posted this when they came to the Philippines last 2012. I don't know how I knew they'd be back this year. Yes, it was so amazing. It still feels surreal.

From catching up with old friends to meeting new friends to fulfilling a dream to singing my heart out to running in the rain to sitting on the airport floor at the end of it all, October 8 was definitely one for the books. So, so blessed and so overwhelmed.

I felt like I was half-awake and half-dreaming the whole time. I wanted to freeze every minute and commit every detail to memory. There were moments when I would close my eyes, stop singing along, and just listen to that beautiful voice that has comforted me many, many times.

Forever crush Jason Wade was smiling at me!

Or maybe I'm deluding myself but whatever. :p

I've been waiting for this for so long. 

I've loved Lifehouse since No Name Face, but it was around three years ago that their songs took on a different depth for me. I fell deeper in love.

And if I were to sing one last song at the end of my life, it would be "Everything." It's amazing how this song effortlessly captures who I am, who and where I want to be, who and what I live for.

How can I stand here with You,

and not be moved by You?

Would you tell me

how could it be any better than this?

I've been posting my request for a full version of "Everything" on their social media accounts, so I was a bit saddened that it didn't happen. They did try to make it up with an electric ending, and I appreciate that. I guess that just gives me an excuse to watch their next concert.LOL

It's been a week and I still can't move on. I keep reminiscing how magical everything was. They sounded just like they do on record, which--in this autotune culture--is a beautiful, beautiful thing. That's one of the best things about Lifehouse: what you see is what you get. No frills, no dramas, no gimmicks. Just raw awesomeness. And I know this was supposed to be a once-in-a-lifetime experience, but to be honest, I can't wait to see them live again.

And the feeling just might be mutual.

Found myself between Jason and Ricky. :D

Credits to the official Lifehouse facebook page.

(All photos were taken using an iPhone 6 unless otherwise stated. It would've been nice to have Drew with me, but dSLRs were banned and I didn't want to risk confiscation.)

25

Unphotographed Memories: Love Letter For A Savior

Watercolor on Watercolor Paper

I never thought that my journey from 24 to 25 would take me through the heights and depths that it did.

This will probably be the only time I will talk about this. I came from a dark place--a place filled with self-doubt, insecurity, and worthlessness. For months, I slept on a tear-soaked pillow. I would wrap my arms around my chest, trying to hold myself together. Most times, I pleaded for God to take the pain away. I fell apart every night, and got glued together every morning.

I wish I could say that I'm far, far away from that place now, but I'm not. I still get so scared. I get scared of hoping, of wanting, of dreaming again. Some days, I'm still haunted by those moments that left me broken and crying out for grace.

I guess you could say that I'm still trying to find myself again.

I don't know where God is taking me. Every day, I muster up the courage and put one shaky foot in front of the other, knowing in my heart that I am where I needed to be, that I am where He wanted me to be.

Now more than ever, I understand that there is a master plan so grand that I wouldn't be able to comprehend it if God would explain it to me in one sitting. I feel like I'm watching Him slowly put the puzzle pieces together, and I'm holding onto the faith that tells me that one day, in His time, I will see the grandeur of the artwork He's creating with my life.

"The magic words: One day at a time. 

God will give me the strength for today,

and tomorrow I will pray for the strength for tomorrow." 

                                    - Maria Cristina

Birthday Wishes

Psalms

I started painting again, after almost half a decade. It still dumbfounds me how it feels like I've never stopped, like I've been doing this my whole life. I look at my trembling hands and I can't help but be amazed how He can accomplish so much through them, in spite of their imperfections.

Once in a while, it just hits me: God's grace is overwhelming. 

Halfway

I'm a bit behind schedule, but I'm finally halfway through this reading challenge. Now if only I can spend less time painting and more time reading, or stay off of fan fiction for a long while, I might actually finish this before the year ends.LOL

The End

I just finished reading Tommy Wallach's We All Looked Up, and if I wasn't reading the ebook version, I would have thrown it across the room. 

But I don't want to talk about the book.

If the world will come to an end a month from now, I probably won't be hysterical. 

Everyone has regrets--should've-beens and could've-beens, and sure, I wish I would get to travel the world and get married before I die. However, I'd like to think that I have lived my life in the best way I could, given the circumstances. I don't have much--I never did--but for what I do have, I'm grateful. I am not a genius or a prodigy, but whatever little talents I've been given, I did not neglect. I am not blameless, but I try to live as righteously as I can. I am not worthy, but He has filled my life with love. I am surrounded with the love of those who matter. True, some of that love may not come in the form or intensity that I wanted, but I am thankful nonetheless. Life has been good. God has been good to me.

When the end comes, I will gladly put my hands in His.

Everything

On clear nights, I get to see a blanket of stars just by pushing my curtains to the side. Whenever I'm reading a book I can't put down, I can even see the sky magically changing from the deepest black to azure to a breathtaking blend of reds and violets then--finally--to the blue we all know.

There are days when I forget all that's lost and all that hasn't arrived, and simply feel grateful for the grace that fills my hands and the love that fills my heart.

The world tells me there are so many things I should gain, but looking back, my happiest moments have never been costly. I'm happiest when I see Him in the mountains and hear Him in the rain. When I feel Him in the wind and smell Him in the flowers. When I stand in awe of Him.

The world may tell me that I have nothing, but I know in my heart that because I have God, I have more than enough. I have everything.

Reading Challenge

My original goal was to read 15 books this year (because it's 2015), but now I have to read 52.

I decided to do the 2015 Popsugar Reading Challenge, and I'm appalled that I'm not even halfway done. I have finished 14/52 books, and I don't feel like reading another book just yet because I still can't get over Hiromu Arakawa's Fullmetal Alchemist.LOL

I love this challenge because it drives me to read books I normally wouldn't consider reading. To be honest, I'm still dreading the day I have to read Jane Eyre or Pride and Prejudice, but the idea of dabbling in works of literature that are "outside my comfort zone" really does excite me.

I hope I'll be able to complete this; I don't think I've ever read 50 books in a year before.

Myopia

So this is how it feels to see your photo on the cover of a book. I'm embarrassed to admit that I smile whenever I look at it. 

I have honestly forgotten about this as it was shot probably more than three years ago. I figured that they decided to stick with the clear plastic covers, so I was really surprised when my friends informed me last week that the manuals were already printed. 

With this book came a wave of serenity, a surge of hope. It reminded me that God is constantly weaving me into something beautiful. One day, I will be able to marvel at the intricate patterns He's creating, but right now, I'm holding on to His promises, even if all I can see is a set of mismatched threads interlaced at weird angles.

Maybe sometimes we can only ask people to be patient with us. Yes, we are acutely aware that we’re not okay, that we’re in pieces, that we don’t have everything figured out.

Give us time; we’ll try and glue ourselves back together. Please be patient with us. That’s all we ask.

With A Whisper

I've been obsessing over Lifehouse again these past few nights. I've been listening to their songs for more than a decade now, but last night, I was brought to my knees.

And You can shake the mountains with a whisper

And You, You speak and I fall at Your feet again

Sometimes, we don't realize we're lost until we're found. It wasn't until I heard that song that I realized how far I wandered. It wasn't until I heard those words that I remembered how wonderful falling in love with Him can be. I remember feeling that way. I remember the beauty. I remember the joy.

It's easy to love Him during the harvest. It's easy to raise your hands and praise Him when life is good. It takes so much faith and patience to love Him during the drought. I've been so caught up in myself--in my pain and my confusion, and it took me so long to figure out that I was miserable because I spent more time seeking answers than simply seeking Him. It was so easy for me to say that I couldn't find Him, when I probably wasn't even really looking for Him.

And it was there, with knees bent, face drenched with tears, and a heart shattered into a million pieces, that He shook me with a whisper. Just like that, I am home. I am found. I am whole.

My heart is so full right now. I feel complete. I feel loved. For the first time in a long time, I feel content.

I am running, not sure where I'm going

and going as fast as I can

and I'm trusting that You'll lead me

and carry me the rest of the way

Everything I want is everything You are

Everything I am is Yours

it's Yours and Yours alone

04.24.15, 3:53AM

Small Victories

I can't believe it's been a year.

Like my Bible-reading, it started out as a 21-day challenge. I told myself that I only had to hold back on soda for 21 days, and then I'd go from there.

And here we are, one year and only three relapses later.

Society tells us to rejoice at big moments--graduations, birthdays, job promotions--and we should. But we are never told to celebrate voluntary rehabilitation, quitting smoking, sticking to diet plans... Society ridicules us when we make a big fuss out of these achievements, but really, aren't they just as worthy of a celebration?

If it took all the strength that you had to get out of bed this morning, celebrate. If you finally put on your running shoes after weeks or months of excuses, celebrate. If you have successfully cut down your caffeine intake from three cups to one cup per day, give yourself that pat on the back. Sure, there may be some areas in your life you're still struggling with, but even for just one moment, allow yourself to appreciate that hard-earned progress, no matter how silly it may seem to other people.

After all, aren't small victories still victories?

Trying

We are all trying--some harder than the others, but we are all trying. Even getting out of bed requires a certain amount of effort. Even going back to bed requires a certain amount of effort. One can just stand in front of the coming bus, or jump off a bridge, or just refuse to get up. Day in and day out, we are all trying, and we all have to appreciate that.

I posted this as a Facebook status early last year, and I'm posting it here this time as a reminder to myself. There are so many words to be said, so many ideas to be thought, and so many things to be done, but for now, trying has to be enough.

Found

"You will seek Me and find Me 

when you seek Me with all your heart." 

                      - Jeremiah 29:13

Whenever I try to recall how I got here, I always go back to the summer of 2012. I didn't know where I was being led to, and I had no idea how it would change me, but God indeed moves in ways we cannot imagine.

Three years have passed, and I can honestly say that I'm a different person now. God's love is transformative--His grace never leaves us where it found us.

When God finds you, the world around you changes. Because when God finds you, you see the world through grateful eyes.

Ps Christian Flores asked, "Are you still as excited today in cherishing that gift as that day you first received it?"

I'm answering "yes", without any hesitation. I wrote this two years ago, and I'm still as captivated as I have been. I have endured storms and drizzles and hurricanes since then, and in the end, I don't think I've ever loved Him more. He still takes my breath away. I have no doubts that He always will.

I will always stand in awe of Him.

"He determines the number of the stars

and calls them each by name." 

                                         - Psalm 147:4

Questions?

I know I don't seem very approachable (I attribute this as a curse of the introvert) so I decided to create an Ask.fm account. You can ask me (anonymously, if you prefer) anything and I'll try my best to answer as honestly as possible. :)

Dear Future Husband

Maybe I'll never meet you. Just like how I'll probably never get that tattoo or get to see the Grand Canyon or learn how to swim. Maybe I'll never get to be with you.

But until I know for sure, I will keep hoping that someday, you will be holding my hand. I will keep praying that someday, I will be praying with you.

I know that girl. I know every angle of her face. I know every desire, every hope, every insecurity, every heartbreak.

I've seen her looking at the mirror, trying to make herself believe that she's a blessing, that she is loved, that she matters.

I've seen her hide away the sadness in her eyes by filling her retinas with beautiful sunsets and waterfalls and mountain ranges.

I've seen how she fell apart every night and put her own pieces back together in the morning.

I've seen her gluing her own cracks.

I know that girl. I wonder if I'm the only one who does.

March 7

"I've waltzed around you seven times

only to become

a melody you never sang."

                                 - Collective Soul

I'm basking in my sorrows tonight because this day last year, I was so hopeful. He probably doesn't even remember me.

Yeah, I know I'm being overdramatic.LOL

20 Things About Me

I originally posted this on Instagram months ago, and I'm posting it here just because.LOL

So here are 20 facts you might or might not know about me:

1. I'm a Christian. This just has to be said first.

2. I love photography.

3. I can listen to one song on repeat for weeks.

4. I only listen to alternative rock, Christian music, and a handful of old pop songs.

5. I can be very patient. Too patient for my own good sometimes.

6. I don't eat raw food. Or veggies. Even cooked veggies.

7. I'm naturally a quiet person but people who know me don't believe it.LOL

8. Sometimes, I prefer being alone, just reading books in coffee shops or trying on clothes.

9. Starbucks is my guilty pleasure. Mint mochaaaaa.

10. I'm an artist at heart. (Don't ask me why I took up Pharmacy.)

11. I'm also a nerd at heart. (This is probably why.)

12. I don't know how to swim or ride a bike.

13. I'm a hopeless romantic.

14. You wouldn't want to hear me sing. I'm a terrible singer.LOL

15. I'm a big fan of poetry but I'm bad at writing poems.

16. I'm half-Chinese but I don't look Chinese.

17. I'm absolutely terrified of lizards and frogs.

18. Unlike most Filipinos, I'm really not a "rice person".

19. I love night drives and 3AM conversations.

20. I love traveling, and I really want to travel around the world one day.

Isn't it amazing how much there still is to discover about ourselves? :)

12:24

Find beauty in the sadness, in the madness, in the normalcy of every day.

I feel like I've been having too much time to think.

I won't pretend that my pain is greater than everyone else's, but I also won't pretend that I'm not hurting at all.

People might say I'm silly. Naive. Impractical. Believe me, there are so many nights spent begging for answers and wondering where this seemingly sunken lane is taking me. I've spent many nights crying out to God to take me out of this emptiness.

Being here doesn't mean I want to be here.

Can't you see? I am not in control. He is. As much as I want to drive away and never look back, that's not mine to decide. I don't even know how to drive. If I try and take the wheel, a crash will be inevitable.

Can't you see? In a snap of a finger, God can change everything. He can flood deserts and dry out oceans. He can move mountains. What makes you think He can't change our lives in a millisecond if He wants to?

Can't you see?

Be kind.

It doesn't often occur to us how little acts of kindness can make a difference.

I pray that somehow, in some ways, I was able to inspire someone to be kinder to others.

On faith.

I don't think this will be cohesive.

I'm writing this because I came across a blog post bashing a certain Christian celebrity for posting John 14:6 and Acts 4:12 on Instagram during Pope Francis' visit.

My beliefs have changed, but my family is Catholic so I watched the live telecasts of the Papal Masses with them. I think his messages were beautiful and inspiring. 

I just don't understand why people are so defensive about those verses. After all, we more or less have the same Bible, so those verses are true for all of us.

Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. 

More than three years ago, I had this urge to attend Sunday service at TouchPoint @ Ayala. A friend brought me there when we were still in college, probably twice or thrice, and although I found the messages to be beautiful, I was just not moved then. This time, it felt like some kind of calling, so I went back, albeit a bit anxious and a bit wary. I still wasn't moved that Sunday, but for some reason, I kept going back, Sunday after Sunday, until one day I woke up and realized I was a different person.

I was reborn. I found beauty in a flock of birds, in the raindrops hitting my fingertips, in a patch of sunlit floorboard. I would wake up at 9AM even if I came from a night shift. I started reading my Bible every day and started to enjoy reading it. I stopped being late for work. He has never felt so real to me. I've never felt so compelled to seek Him. I've never been so in love with Him. 

I'm not saying I'm blameless. As much as I want to be Christlike, I fall short. I know I always will. But my faith guides me to walk in His light, and isn't that what faith should do? Shouldn't it make us love Him more? Shouldn't it make us love others more? 

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.

You can drag someone into your church, kicking and screaming. You can guilt trip him into going with you. You can bash everything he says that is contrary to your own beliefs. But really, I don't see how dragging, guilt-tripping, and bashing could be the best way to proclaim the Gospel. After all, don't we believe in a loving God? 

Why do we always underestimate the power of prayer? Why can't we pray for God to change someone's heart, to make him more like Him? After all, don't we believe in an omnipotent God?

To the people who prayed for my change of heart, thank you. I will be forever grateful.

Beauty and Madness

Today, I woke up thinking about love and all the beauty that comes with it.

I once fell in love with someone who seemed to be made for me--someone who really got me. He didn't even try; it was so effortless. People around us would say that we slipped into our own little bubble whenever we were together. It was as if we were synced, like we were in the same wavelength. That didn't mean we didn't have differences. In fact, we enjoyed bantering and arguing with each other. 

But even then, with all the beauty and the madness, I just knew we weren't going to end up together.

In an alternate reality, he would've been perfect for me. We would've been perfect for each other. People write songs and poems and novels about something so rare. People search the world for it, and we had it. We still do. We still hang out once in a while and every time, there's still that "automatic" connection. We just get each other. We would've been perfect for each other, but the choices that we make lead us to where we're going, and our choices led us to this version of reality.

Not too long ago, I've learned that love is not enough. It's not enough for him to love you. He also has to choose you, and he has to choose you every day for the rest of your lives. Holding out for someone who is emotionally unavailable is almost always tragic. It is almost always destructive.

Having someone who effortlessly understands you may be beautiful, but I'd rather love someone who chooses to understand me and will make that choice every day, even when it's hard.

Joy comes in the morning.

"Weeping may stay for the night,

but rejoicing comes in the morning."

                    - Psalm 30:5

My 2014 was blessed with quite a number of sunrises, one of which I consider to be the most magnificent sunrise I have ever seen. Sadly, I didn't get to take a photograph, so I promised myself that I would paint it someday. 

But this year, I'm looking forward to a different kind of sunrise. I'm looking forward to dreams coming true and promises being fulfilled. I'm preparing to be blown away by His majesty. 

The dawn is breaking. This year, God will reveal His glory in ways we never imagined, and we will stand in awe of Him. It will be the most magnificent sunrise anyone has ever seen.