When God Says No

I've been putting off writing this entry because I don't quite know what to say.

The past two months have been emotionally exhausting. I kept searching my heart, trying to find ulterior motives, trying to find something that could have displeased God--anything that could give me the answers that I so desperately needed to understand what was going on.

I wish I could tell you that I'm okay. I wish I could tell you that I have everything figured out. The truth is, there are still nights when I stay up wondering where I'm supposed to go from here. When God says no, it can be world-shattering--for a moment, it can shatter your world.

I found this two nights ago, and tears were already streaming down my face halfway through. It hit me so hard because a part of me believed that I must have done something wrong to deserve this pain, that God must have been rebuking me. And reading these words was relieving and heartbreaking at the same time.

"Never try to help God fulfill His word. Abram went through thirteen years of silence, but in those years all of his self-sufficiency was destroyed. He grew past the point of relying on his own common sense. Those years of silence were a time of discipline, not a period of God’s displeasure. There is never any need to pretend that your life is filled with joy and confidence; just wait upon God and be grounded in Him."

- September 2, 2013 Bread of Life Ministries Devotional (emphasis added)

Three Sundays ago, we were talking about Hagar and how the angel of the Lord appeared to her and asked her, "Hagar, servant of Sarai, where have you come from, and where are you going?" The angel did not address her as the woman by the spring. He called her by her name.

"God knows you by name and by what you do. He knows where you are. Your situation came through the hands of a loving God."

- Ps Bing Zubiri

It's not an end-all cure-all lesson. Maybe it is for some, but sadly, for me, it's not. It is, however, a reminder that I can keep in my heart as I take each step, as I try and move forward.

So I won't say that I'm okay. Maybe one day, I will find the purpose for this pain. Maybe one day, I will be able to thank Him for this storm. For now, I can only say that I'm getting by with His strength, with His grace, with His unfailing love. For now, I'm walking in faith, knowing that God knows who I am and where I am, and that He hears me.