I was looking through this year's stack of photographs, and I can't believe how exhausting 2014 had been. And beautiful. And seemed so much longer than it actually was.
2014 was just as exhilarating as it was heartbreaking. Yes, it was about goodbyes, broken dreams, and heartbreaks, but it was also about hellos and love and faith.
"But now, Lord, what do I look for?
My hope is in You."
- Psalm 39:7
If this year has taught me anything, it's to trust God even when nothing seems to make sense. To keep believing when it's hardest to believe. To keep holding on to the dreams that He had placed in my heart, knowing that in His time and in His way, they will be fulfilled. At the end of the storms and drizzles and hurricanes, there will be a rainbow. I believe that God will do amazing things this 2015, and will reveal His glory in ways that we never imagined. I'm looking forward to that.
I've been putting off writing this entry because I don't quite know what to say.
The past two months have been emotionally exhausting. I kept searching my heart, trying to find ulterior motives, trying to find something that could have displeased God--anything that could give me the answers that I so desperately needed to understand what was going on.
I wish I could tell you that I'm okay. I wish I could tell you that I have everything figured out. The truth is, there are still nights when I stay up wondering where I'm supposed to go from here. When God says no, it can be world-shattering--for a moment, it can shatter your world.
I found this two nights ago, and tears were already streaming down my face halfway through. It hit me so hard because a part of me believed that I must have done something wrong to deserve this pain, that God must have been rebuking me. And reading these words was relieving and heartbreaking at the same time.
"Never try to help God fulfill His word. Abram went through thirteen years of silence, but in those years all of his self-sufficiency was destroyed. He grew past the point of relying on his own common sense. Those years of silence were a time of discipline, not a period of God’s displeasure. There is never any need to pretend that your life is filled with joy and confidence; just wait upon God and be grounded in Him."
- September 2, 2013 Bread of Life Ministries Devotional (emphasis added)
Three Sundays ago, we were talking about Hagar and how the angel of the Lord appeared to her and asked her, "Hagar, servant of Sarai, where have you come from, and where are you going?" The angel did not address her as the woman by the spring. He called her by her name.
"God knows you by name and by what you do. He knows where you are. Your situation came through the hands of a loving God."
- Ps Bing Zubiri
It's not an end-all cure-all lesson. Maybe it is for some, but sadly, for me, it's not. It is, however, a reminder that I can keep in my heart as I take each step, as I try and move forward.
So I won't say that I'm okay. Maybe one day, I will find the purpose for this pain. Maybe one day, I will be able to thank Him for this storm. For now, I can only say that I'm getting by with His strength, with His grace, with His unfailing love. For now, I'm walking in faith, knowing that God knows who I am and where I am, and that He hears me.
And suddenly I'm smothered with all the promises He had placed in my heart.
Jeremiah 29:11, Psalm 145:13, Joshua 23:14, Matthew 19:26, John 15:7, Mark 11:24, Psalm 27:14, Psalm 38:15--I've known them by heart, but right now, they are alive in me.
My heart is filled with so much hope and so much gratitude. And I am overwhelmed by God's faithfulness.
"Contentment is saying: God has me here for a reason, and if He never does anything different, I'll still serve and praise Him."
- Kevin DeYoung
Sometimes, in spite of the hand's reluctance, the words write themselves.
When God places a dream in your heart, you wake up with starry eyes and a hopeful heart that feels like it's going to burst. There's that anticipation that you just can't seem to contain.
Days, weeks, months pass, and the stars start to dim. You tell yourself to be patient. You know Psalm 27:14, Jeremiah 29:11, and Mark 11:24 by heart. You know them. You believe them, for the most part. And yet, there's that tiny part of you that wonders--wonders when the waiting will end, wonders why He's holding out, why He's so silent, why He's making you wait in the first place.
I wish I could tell you that He answers every prayer, that He speaks to me whenever I cry out to Him. I wish I could tell you that by now, I can already understand His ways and how He moves.
"All you can do is wait, endure, and keep shining, knowing that eventually your light will reach where it is supposed to reach, and shine for who it is supposed to shine for. It is never easy, but it is always worth it."
I woke up around 3:30 in the afternoon and looked out the window. It was going to rain. The skies have been overcast for days. "I want to see the sunset, Lord," I begged. "It's been days."
Several chapters of Psalms later, I looked out the window again. The big, dark clouds have gone away.
I'm waiting for answers. I feel like I've been repeating this line so many times to so many people by now, but yes, I'm still waiting for the answers to my prayers. And today's sunset reminded me that God hears every whisper, every thought. That He has not turned a deaf ear to my cries. The answers will come in His time, in His way.
So with faith and hope in my heart, I shall press toward what is ahead.
I'm a girl who walks in fields of grace. I walk in bright daylight, past sunflowers and daisies and butterflies.
For the past week, however, my days have been so murky. I was feeling too much, alternating between happiness and sadness in whiplash-worthy intervals. I felt like I was running from bright fields to dark valleys and back again.
But it was there, in the darkness, that I realized how grateful I am for the light. I realized that there's no place I'd rather be than in the light--forever basking in it, forever seeing it, forever following it.
"God will bring you out of darkness."
We will all experience darkness; no one is exempted from it. We can choose to stay in the dark. We can choose to embrace it, love it, live in it. Or we can conquer it. We can choose to call on God, get up and seek for His light.
I choose the light. I will always choose the light.
"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things."
My head is spinning. There are so many things that I don't understand right now, so many things I just couldn't grasp. Everyday for the past few days, I've been running past valleys and tunnels and mountains and back again. I feel like I'm always running--running away from some things and running towards others.
I'm exhausted. My heart is exhausted trying to hold itself together.
I'll keep running, though. I'll keep going because I believe in His promises. I believe in His sovereignty.
