Jeremiah 29:11

I had an overwhelming urge to write, which is so rare these days, I just had to give in.

There is a fine line between contentment and settling.

In the past year, I’ve seen people get engaged, get married, move halfway across the globe, land their dream jobs... and I tried to check my heart for bitterness, but there honestly wasn’t. I’d like to believe that I’ve learned to trust in God’s timing and sovereignty, and in the knowledge that His plans for me will always be better than what I have for myself. That He wouldn’t place me where He doesn’t want me. That what is meant for me can never pass me by.

I was watching “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape” last night and it made me realize that you don’t have to be great in the wordly sense; you just have to be great in the eyes of people who matter. You just have to be the best person you can be, given the circumstances.

Am I content? Yes. Am I still hoping for God to answer my prayers? Yes. “I can live with someday, as long as I know it’s coming.” I don’t remember who said that line, but it always resonated with me. So here I am, trying to make the most out of the present, and hoping for the best for tomorrow, always pressing forward, always holding on to His promises.

"If I could bottle this moment, I would, and I would sip from it to soften the harder days." - Roshan James

Happiest when travelling.♥

I can't wait for next year.♥

Just Be Held

It's 3AM and I'm in my pajamas, sipping from my already cold mug of swiss miss when Spotify chooses to play this song.

Lately, I've been thinking about how uninspired I am. I miss the days when I could turn my ideas into something tangible--days when I would just grab my camera and go outside to capture something beautiful, or when I wouldn't notice the hours passing because I was so engrossed in my painting. I guess, more than anything, I miss being surrounded with so much beauty to inspire me.

I try not to be resentful of where He has chosen to place me. I try to still see the world through grateful eyes, even though it's slowly losing its colors. And I'm praying so hard that this phase will soon be over, that this divine discontent will soon be overcome by the truth that God is enough and He is sovereign and He works for the good of those who love Him.

For now, I shall hold onto these words: 

"Your world's not falling apart; it's falling into place." 

                   - Casting Crowns, Just Be Held

A Letter to Vincent van Gogh

I know you're gone, and have been for a long time, but my heart still breaks for you. 

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that life returned so little of the love that you gave it. I'm sorry that you felt so lost in the world that was supposed to make you feel safe.

Yes, you were different. Yes, you were difficult. Aren't we all, at some point? I wish I could've told you that it's okay. That you didn't have to be too hard on yourself. That it's alright not to have everything figured out. That one day, all that pain will finally make sense.

Above all, I wish you could've felt all the love that the world is finally, finally giving you now. I wish you could've seen the wonder on our faces, felt the awe in our hearts whenever we look at what you have created. 

And so my heart still breaks for you, more than a century after you died. Because you left without seeing.

16 Things I Want To Tell Myself Before 2016 Comes

that I want to tell you, too.

1. Keep chasing your dreams. Slowly. One step at a time.

2. Do what you can with what you have to the best of your ability. “Do everything with so much love that you would never have it any other way.” - Yogi Desai

3. Be less afraid of vulnerability. Open up. Express. Allow yourself to fail, to be hurt, to be rejected. Allow yourself to try.

4. Imagine possibilities.

5. Strive to be the best version of yourself. Discover what you’re good at. Take classes. Watch YouTube videos. Buy textbooks. Practice. 

6. Allow yourself to say no to the unhealthy – be it food, habits, or even relationships.

7. Find time to write. Write, and write often. Years from now, you will thank yourself not only for the memories, but also for the wisdom.

8. Travel. Go to places you’ve never been before. The world is waiting to be seen.

9. Give more.

10. Make time for what you love. Read good books. Make beautiful art. Find beautiful places. Watch the sunrise. Watch the sunset. Look up at the millions of stars shining for you.

11. Step out of your comfort zone. Try something new. Meet new people. Order a dish you’ve never had before. Widen your horizons.

12. Don’t take everything on a personal level. The world doesn’t revolve around you, and the sooner you accept that, the sooner you can let go of the grudges and resentment you hold against the people you think are conspiring against you.

13. Love yourself. Stop basing your worth on how other people see you, and remind yourself that contrary to how they may make you feel, you are enough. Stop beating yourself up for not moving mountains or putting up an orphanage or being the next Malala. You're making the world a better place in your own ways. You're beautiful.

14. Love others. I know that sometimes it can be hard to be loving to yourself and loving to others at the same time, especially when you feel like they’re draining you, but I guess the best thing we can do is to give as much love as we can without forgetting to leave some for ourselves. Love the people around you. Love the people away from you. Fill your heart with so much love that hate will have to fight so hard for a space in it.

15. Keep walking with God. There will be times when it will feel like walking in a tunnel. When nothing will make sense. When you’ll get scared and want to turn around. Keep walking. Keep believing.

16. Never stop seeing the world through grateful eyes. Listen for the music in the rain. See the rainbows in puddles. Find the magic in the mundane. Yes, there will always be darkness in this world, but there will also be light to overcome it.

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, 

no mind has conceived 

what God has prepared for those who love Him." 

                                           - 1 Cor 2:9

Note To Self

"I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be appreciated, cared for and seen. I deserve someone who is genuinely interested in me. Not because of what I can do for them. Not because of who I know or what I have accomplished. I deserved to be loved and seen, simply because I am me. Just pure love. I deserve someone who wants to listen to me. Someone who wants to hear my thoughts, experience my art and make art with me. I know what I deserve when it comes to love and I have no interest settling for mediocre love. I look forward to my love affair. It’s almost here."

- Brittany Josephina

Dreaming With Eyes Wide Open

This happened 5 days ago and I know I should move on, but the thought that Jason Wade has seen my painting still gives me tachycardiaaaaa.

And I'm somewhere in between what is real and just a dream. <3>

Lifehouse In Manila

I don't know where to start, so I'll start with this:

I posted this when they came to the Philippines last 2012. I don't know how I knew they'd be back this year. Yes, it was so amazing. It still feels surreal.

From catching up with old friends to meeting new friends to fulfilling a dream to singing my heart out to running in the rain to sitting on the airport floor at the end of it all, October 8 was definitely one for the books. So, so blessed and so overwhelmed.

I felt like I was half-awake and half-dreaming the whole time. I wanted to freeze every minute and commit every detail to memory. There were moments when I would close my eyes, stop singing along, and just listen to that beautiful voice that has comforted me many, many times.

Forever crush Jason Wade was smiling at me!

Or maybe I'm deluding myself but whatever. :p

I've been waiting for this for so long. 

I've loved Lifehouse since No Name Face, but it was around three years ago that their songs took on a different depth for me. I fell deeper in love.

And if I were to sing one last song at the end of my life, it would be "Everything." It's amazing how this song effortlessly captures who I am, who and where I want to be, who and what I live for.

How can I stand here with You,

and not be moved by You?

Would you tell me

how could it be any better than this?

I've been posting my request for a full version of "Everything" on their social media accounts, so I was a bit saddened that it didn't happen. They did try to make it up with an electric ending, and I appreciate that. I guess that just gives me an excuse to watch their next concert.LOL

It's been a week and I still can't move on. I keep reminiscing how magical everything was. They sounded just like they do on record, which--in this autotune culture--is a beautiful, beautiful thing. That's one of the best things about Lifehouse: what you see is what you get. No frills, no dramas, no gimmicks. Just raw awesomeness. And I know this was supposed to be a once-in-a-lifetime experience, but to be honest, I can't wait to see them live again.

And the feeling just might be mutual.

Found myself between Jason and Ricky. :D

Credits to the official Lifehouse facebook page.

(All photos were taken using an iPhone 6 unless otherwise stated. It would've been nice to have Drew with me, but dSLRs were banned and I didn't want to risk confiscation.)

25

Unphotographed Memories: Love Letter For A Savior

Watercolor on Watercolor Paper

I never thought that my journey from 24 to 25 would take me through the heights and depths that it did.

This will probably be the only time I will talk about this. I came from a dark place--a place filled with self-doubt, insecurity, and worthlessness. For months, I slept on a tear-soaked pillow. I would wrap my arms around my chest, trying to hold myself together. Most times, I pleaded for God to take the pain away. I fell apart every night, and got glued together every morning.

I wish I could say that I'm far, far away from that place now, but I'm not. I still get so scared. I get scared of hoping, of wanting, of dreaming again. Some days, I'm still haunted by those moments that left me broken and crying out for grace.

I guess you could say that I'm still trying to find myself again.

I don't know where God is taking me. Every day, I muster up the courage and put one shaky foot in front of the other, knowing in my heart that I am where I needed to be, that I am where He wanted me to be.

Now more than ever, I understand that there is a master plan so grand that I wouldn't be able to comprehend it if God would explain it to me in one sitting. I feel like I'm watching Him slowly put the puzzle pieces together, and I'm holding onto the faith that tells me that one day, in His time, I will see the grandeur of the artwork He's creating with my life.

"The magic words: One day at a time. 

God will give me the strength for today,

and tomorrow I will pray for the strength for tomorrow." 

                                    - Maria Cristina

Birthday Wishes

Psalms

I started painting again, after almost half a decade. It still dumbfounds me how it feels like I've never stopped, like I've been doing this my whole life. I look at my trembling hands and I can't help but be amazed how He can accomplish so much through them, in spite of their imperfections.

Once in a while, it just hits me: God's grace is overwhelming. 

Halfway

I'm a bit behind schedule, but I'm finally halfway through this reading challenge. Now if only I can spend less time painting and more time reading, or stay off of fan fiction for a long while, I might actually finish this before the year ends.LOL

The End

I just finished reading Tommy Wallach's We All Looked Up, and if I wasn't reading the ebook version, I would have thrown it across the room. 

But I don't want to talk about the book.

If the world will come to an end a month from now, I probably won't be hysterical. 

Everyone has regrets--should've-beens and could've-beens, and sure, I wish I would get to travel the world and get married before I die. However, I'd like to think that I have lived my life in the best way I could, given the circumstances. I don't have much--I never did--but for what I do have, I'm grateful. I am not a genius or a prodigy, but whatever little talents I've been given, I did not neglect. I am not blameless, but I try to live as righteously as I can. I am not worthy, but He has filled my life with love. I am surrounded with the love of those who matter. True, some of that love may not come in the form or intensity that I wanted, but I am thankful nonetheless. Life has been good. God has been good to me.

When the end comes, I will gladly put my hands in His.

Everything

On clear nights, I get to see a blanket of stars just by pushing my curtains to the side. Whenever I'm reading a book I can't put down, I can even see the sky magically changing from the deepest black to azure to a breathtaking blend of reds and violets then--finally--to the blue we all know.

There are days when I forget all that's lost and all that hasn't arrived, and simply feel grateful for the grace that fills my hands and the love that fills my heart.

The world tells me there are so many things I should gain, but looking back, my happiest moments have never been costly. I'm happiest when I see Him in the mountains and hear Him in the rain. When I feel Him in the wind and smell Him in the flowers. When I stand in awe of Him.

The world may tell me that I have nothing, but I know in my heart that because I have God, I have more than enough. I have everything.

Reading Challenge

My original goal was to read 15 books this year (because it's 2015), but now I have to read 52.

I decided to do the 2015 Popsugar Reading Challenge, and I'm appalled that I'm not even halfway done. I have finished 14/52 books, and I don't feel like reading another book just yet because I still can't get over Hiromu Arakawa's Fullmetal Alchemist.LOL

I love this challenge because it drives me to read books I normally wouldn't consider reading. To be honest, I'm still dreading the day I have to read Jane Eyre or Pride and Prejudice, but the idea of dabbling in works of literature that are "outside my comfort zone" really does excite me.

I hope I'll be able to complete this; I don't think I've ever read 50 books in a year before.

Myopia

So this is how it feels to see your photo on the cover of a book. I'm embarrassed to admit that I smile whenever I look at it. 

I have honestly forgotten about this as it was shot probably more than three years ago. I figured that they decided to stick with the clear plastic covers, so I was really surprised when my friends informed me last week that the manuals were already printed. 

With this book came a wave of serenity, a surge of hope. It reminded me that God is constantly weaving me into something beautiful. One day, I will be able to marvel at the intricate patterns He's creating, but right now, I'm holding on to His promises, even if all I can see is a set of mismatched threads interlaced at weird angles.

Maybe sometimes we can only ask people to be patient with us. Yes, we are acutely aware that we’re not okay, that we’re in pieces, that we don’t have everything figured out.

Give us time; we’ll try and glue ourselves back together. Please be patient with us. That’s all we ask.

With A Whisper

I've been obsessing over Lifehouse again these past few nights. I've been listening to their songs for more than a decade now, but last night, I was brought to my knees.

And You can shake the mountains with a whisper

And You, You speak and I fall at Your feet again

Sometimes, we don't realize we're lost until we're found. It wasn't until I heard that song that I realized how far I wandered. It wasn't until I heard those words that I remembered how wonderful falling in love with Him can be. I remember feeling that way. I remember the beauty. I remember the joy.

It's easy to love Him during the harvest. It's easy to raise your hands and praise Him when life is good. It takes so much faith and patience to love Him during the drought. I've been so caught up in myself--in my pain and my confusion, and it took me so long to figure out that I was miserable because I spent more time seeking answers than simply seeking Him. It was so easy for me to say that I couldn't find Him, when I probably wasn't even really looking for Him.

And it was there, with knees bent, face drenched with tears, and a heart shattered into a million pieces, that He shook me with a whisper. Just like that, I am home. I am found. I am whole.

My heart is so full right now. I feel complete. I feel loved. For the first time in a long time, I feel content.

I am running, not sure where I'm going

and going as fast as I can

and I'm trusting that You'll lead me

and carry me the rest of the way

Everything I want is everything You are

Everything I am is Yours

it's Yours and Yours alone

04.24.15, 3:53AM

Small Victories

I can't believe it's been a year.

Like my Bible-reading, it started out as a 21-day challenge. I told myself that I only had to hold back on soda for 21 days, and then I'd go from there.

And here we are, one year and only three relapses later.

Society tells us to rejoice at big moments--graduations, birthdays, job promotions--and we should. But we are never told to celebrate voluntary rehabilitation, quitting smoking, sticking to diet plans... Society ridicules us when we make a big fuss out of these achievements, but really, aren't they just as worthy of a celebration?

If it took all the strength that you had to get out of bed this morning, celebrate. If you finally put on your running shoes after weeks or months of excuses, celebrate. If you have successfully cut down your caffeine intake from three cups to one cup per day, give yourself that pat on the back. Sure, there may be some areas in your life you're still struggling with, but even for just one moment, allow yourself to appreciate that hard-earned progress, no matter how silly it may seem to other people.

After all, aren't small victories still victories?

Trying

We are all trying--some harder than the others, but we are all trying. Even getting out of bed requires a certain amount of effort. Even going back to bed requires a certain amount of effort. One can just stand in front of the coming bus, or jump off a bridge, or just refuse to get up. Day in and day out, we are all trying, and we all have to appreciate that.

I posted this as a Facebook status early last year, and I'm posting it here this time as a reminder to myself. There are so many words to be said, so many ideas to be thought, and so many things to be done, but for now, trying has to be enough.

Found

"You will seek Me and find Me 

when you seek Me with all your heart." 

                      - Jeremiah 29:13

Whenever I try to recall how I got here, I always go back to the summer of 2012. I didn't know where I was being led to, and I had no idea how it would change me, but God indeed moves in ways we cannot imagine.

Three years have passed, and I can honestly say that I'm a different person now. God's love is transformative--His grace never leaves us where it found us.

When God finds you, the world around you changes. Because when God finds you, you see the world through grateful eyes.

Ps Christian Flores asked, "Are you still as excited today in cherishing that gift as that day you first received it?"

I'm answering "yes", without any hesitation. I wrote this two years ago, and I'm still as captivated as I have been. I have endured storms and drizzles and hurricanes since then, and in the end, I don't think I've ever loved Him more. He still takes my breath away. I have no doubts that He always will.

I will always stand in awe of Him.

"He determines the number of the stars

and calls them each by name." 

                                         - Psalm 147:4